Signs of codependency :

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I first learnt about Codependancy when I was 22 whilst working in an addiction rehab. Ultimately, most of us are having a human experience learning to unburden ourselves of our past and release the fears of our future to live a fulfilling life. I am benefiting from the art of detachment and the practice of equanimity but Co-dependancy is the focus of this article as it seems to be a common theme that prevents us (me) from achieving this present state of being.

It's ironic as I sit in this coffee shop, far from the first behavioural experiment I ever done with my therapist, which was going to a coffee shop on my own. At the time I was also introduced to Pia Mellody (a queen in the field) who's books focus on self-esteem, relationships, boundaries and communication skills. I will be deeply honest with you, it wasn't until I decided to stop engaging in addictive behaviours ranging from people pleasing, Alcohol, relationships, food and eventually anything someone would give me to take, that I am now dedicated to change. I'm not saying i will be sober for ever but for now whilst I explore the adult version of myself, there is no room for self-sabotage.

Things to look out for.... Burn out ~ negative self talk ~ worry ~ self critical ~ needing control ~ addiction

Post relapse, I eased back into work and got back on track with the CODA 12 steps. Since being a therapist needing therapy, I do wonder how many people that go into caring roles are more like me than they think. I have come to the conclusion that most people seeking therapy, experience these difficulties, often stemming from early childhood experiences, which have shaped the beliefs we have about ourselves and create the rules that we live by. This is a lesson of codependancy, it allows all of those parts of ourselves, that have been developed over the years, to either protect us or guide us by being at the for front of our personality, when in fact who you truly are lies beneath that. If you are in a relationship you know deep down you don't want to be in, or you are clutching on to other people to self sooth, the likelihood is you would benefit from therapy. if you are someone with a healthy self esteem your ‘parts’ likely trust you to be in charge.

Dr Richard Schwartz’s evidence based psychotherapy Internal Family systems offers A great book called no bad parts along with exercises to explore your internal world. This is a beautiful bridge between eastern and western traditional techniques. Melanie Fennal’s overcoming low self esteem is another to add to the collection for a CBT based technique self help book but if you prefer an audible Melody Beattie ‘s Codependant no more, claims ‘how to stop controlling others and care for yourself’. the audible, really inspired me to write this blog. Like most people who work in service and care for others, we have our own experiences that lead us to taking on caring roles. codependant or not, therapy and living mindfully is crutial to looking after yourself whilst helping others. But the true question is how willing are you to break out of the shackles of codependancy and stop using excuses as to why you can't live your life without suffering. What does that look like?